Romance without finance is a nuisance. (It sho is, brotha!)

Over the past month (and since my last entry), I have moved out of my parents house, moved in with my wonderful boyfriend and his two kickass roommates, started a new semester, and made enemies with my roommate.

My boyfriend’s house is so sweet.  They have all these crazy musical instruments and interesting paintings in practically every room.  There’s a Zen room off of the living room with a bunch of exotic comfy chairs, and that’s our smoking room.  Everyone who comes and goes is very pleasant and friendly and chill and fun.  It’s a great space to live in.  My heart aches every time I have to leave it to go back to my school apartment.  And every time I have to leave my boyfriend, of course.  He bought me my very first pet–a pretty purple and blue betta fish I named Luna.  And our zodiac signs align amazingly.  I’m squeezing life by the balls right now, but ever so gently….there’s no need to crush them.

A writer takes his pen to write the words again that All in Love is Fair

my recent love life has been using me as a punching bag. it’s so brutal. when you’re down on the floor, naked, holding your head in your hands and tightening your soul to hold back a scream, you know you’re in too deep. recovery is such a pill.

i snorted coke for the first time yesterday. and even though i’ve showered, brushed my teeth and changed my clothes since, i’m still getting whiffs of it here and there. it’s not bad though. after each line, i felt so awake and like i had the best night’s sleep. but it’s fucking expensive.

i got to hold the prettiest snake yesterday. i forgot what it’s called, but it was pretty thick around and maybe three feet long. my friend matt’s seriously thinking about getting one. he wants to name it robert, but i think that’s boring. i told him to name it cleopatrick.

i was in a dance competition yesterday. we were playing cosmic bowling and the dj called for people to enter in a dance competition at one point, and my friends dragged me up, but i wasn’t too embarrassed or anything. i love dancing. but the song they played was so boring and repetitive, it was hard to show off my best stuff. there was eight of us to being with, and i was the fourth one to get eliminated, but it was bullshit because the three girls that remained had all their friends rooting for them, and the people that voted me out weren’t even looking at me. but whatevs, i had fun dancing by our own lane while waiting for my turn.

i was drinking from one in the afternoon to two this morning and woke up with a decent hangover, so today all i’ve done so far is order dominos pizza and watch spongebob and goodfellas.

On my deathbed, I will pray like a pagan to anyone who will take me to heaven.

i’m such a cheap date. i don’t know if that’s something to be proud or ashamed of. on the one hand, it proves i’m not a gold digger or care about material things and a life of luxury, but on the other hand, i could be being taken for granted and it could continue to ingrain in my head this self-image of utter worthlessness.

i’m running out of clean sheets. i really gotta start doing that shit at their place or start swallowing more. or maybe i should just stop having casual sex so often. or just have it with the same guy who won’t care if the sheets are dirty cuz it’s his stuff. i wish doing laundry was more convenient for me. in my apartment next year, we have our own laundry room with a washer and dryer. that’ll be so sweet.

i think i’m starting to see the light. i had a vision of the future in which my mother and i were on good terms for once. it was a glimpse of my wedding day and both my parents were beaming with joy. and everything was in its right place. it’s a long way off, but at least i’m on my way. i’m reminded of something i read in a neil peart book about how adventures suck when you’re having them. before you go, you’re excited and daydreaming about all the great fun you’ll have, and afterward, you can be content with the new experience you have under your belt. but they suck when you’re going through it. that’s sorta where i’m at right now.

i’m such a heartbreaker. i try to be gentle at first, but sometimes i’m pushed to the point of sheer assholedom. this one guy i met once and had an awful experience with kept texting me and i made it blunter and blunter how i didn’t want to see him anymore. so finally he stopped for a couple days, and then on thanksgiving he texted me something like i know you don’t want to talk to me anymore, but i just thought i’d wish you a happy thanksgiving with whoever you’re with now. and alright, so that was nicely and maturely put (unlike 90% of his other texts) but i was so annoyed that he kept bothering me that i wrote back “thank you but i don’t want to hear from you again ever so save your holiday greetings for those who do.” yeaa. that was kind of mean. but do you think that stopped him? maybe for a couple days. i still get random “hi”s from him but i’ve stopped replying altogether. with other guys, though, it’s not so easy for me to let them down. sometimes i feel like i can see myself being happy with just about any guy that comes my way. but there’s way too much drama trying to juggle multiple guys, so i’ve gotta cut some of them out, which sucks cuz each of them reflect one side of me and when i cut one out, i feel like that side of me is now going unfulfilled. maybe that’s why i jump from guy to guy, to keep all the sides of me alive.

Tiny Tots with their Eyes All A Glow

so obviously this daily blogging thing isn’t working. ah….so much.

i just came in from smoking in the snow in the early morning hours of a sleepy sunday.

my friend who invited himself to stay with me the whole weekend had to leave bright and early to drive the four hours home cuz he has to give a piano lesson today.

he bought me a pretty yellow hookah, but we didn’t get a chance to smoke it. we got to smoke his herbs a lot though. we went to art museum yesterday. we were so blazed there and draped all over each other. i think we scared the other art viewers. we didn’t want to pay to see the exhibit they had going on, so we started off in the free part but i think we ended up stumbling into the exit of the exhibit and went through the whole thing backwards haha. i think we even scared the security guys, and they didn’t wanna say anything to us. i liked the monet ones the best.

i’m listening to frank sinatra christmas songs right now. sooo perfect.

Livin’ Out Your Fantasy– Sleepin’ Late and Smoking Tea

so i know i missed another day of this, but i was busy. monday evening i chilled at my boo’s house (the iraq veteran i mentioned in the last post), he hasn’t officially asked me to be his girlfriend yet, so i’m just calling him my boo for right now. we had so much fun. his house has a wraparound enclosed screen porch, and we periodically chilled out there for cigarette breaks. there’s empty flower pots all over the porch that they use for ashtrays. he shares the house with three roommates, one of whom is a huge stoner. so me and him smoked a bowl together that was the SHIT. and of course me and my boo couldn’t keep our hands off each other for very long so we periodically made sweet sweet love in his room, which is conveniently right behind the porch, so if you open the windows in his room you can converse with people on the porch. one time after sex, i stayed in bed wrapped in his comforter naked, while he went out to the porch for a smoke, and he opened the window between us and let me have a few drags through the window. it was so romantic. then later, he made us chicken tenders and fish sticks and pizza bites, which were quite yummy and we watched austin powers with his buddies. then later, we were laying next to each other after sex and he was telling me how beautiful i was and i was telling him how sexy his voice was, and how i’m a sucker for sexy voices, and then i asked him if he could sing. and he started doing these corny raps, lol, which led us to me admitting to having the biggest crush on eminem when i was younger, which led to me pulling out my mp3 player and we shared the earplugs and listened to music together for a long time. the first song we listened to was “superman” by eminem cuz when i told him about my crush, the first lyrics he thought of was “we just met, and i just fucked you” from that song. it was so cute, we were sharing my earbuds, listening to that song, and i was doing the girl part and he was doing em’s part, and at the end, he was like “this should totally be our song” hahahaha.

i had class at 9:30 the next day, and it takes me about an hour to get back on the bus to my apartment from his house (5 minutes by car, how crazy is that?), but i hate rushing, so i woke up when he woke up, and while i was supposed to be in my first class, i was instead having morning sex with my boo. then he made me some coffee and sent me on my way so he could get ready for work, and while i was supposed to be in my second class, i was riding the city bus through downtown watching construction dudes put up christmas wreaths on the streetlights. now, i’m not one for being all “too cool for school”, but i definitely felt like a badass that morning.

when i got back from my last class of the day and was officially on thanksgiving break, i got something to eat and chilled on the couch, having a beer and watching a law and order svu marathon. later, i said goodbye to my roommate who was leaving that night. then, my buddy matt came over and we watched spaceballs, and yes, i let him fuck me again, i wasn’t sure how our friends-with-benefits relationship was gonna change now that i was seeing this other guy, but so far, not much has changed. i told him all about my boo, and he’s so kind and understanding, he thinks it’s great that i have someone like that. he said he’d totally be cool with us being just friends with no benefits, but that didn’t work out so well….

this morning, i met up with this guy named jay, whose mother works with my father and they arranged for us to carpool together when going home for thanksgiving break. he turned out to be a pretty cool dude and the four hour trip home went really smoothly for the most part. we mostly talked about music the whole way. he likes country and rock and jimmy buffett and tracy chapman, lol, and we bonded over our similar concert experiences. that’s what’s great about being well-versed in all different kinds of music–i can connect with pretty much anyone about their favorite music.

i don’t know if i’ll be able to blog for the next two days, cuz i’m not sure if i’ll have computer access. i’m traveling down a couple states to visit my mother’s side of the family and celebrate both my grandfather’s birthday and thanksgiving. i can’t say i’m looking forward to it, as i am by far the blackest sheep in the whitest family (personality-wise, not race-wise). plus, they don’t know that i have sex or smoke, so i’m gonna have to make it two whole days without either….phew, this is gonna be tough. god, i can’t wait for saturday.

We lit up your world like the Fourth of July….

ugh. so i already missed a day of this daily blogging thing. but nothing incredibly exciting happened yesterday. i did laundry. it was freezing out. i found a dollar bill on the ground.

saturday night i drank so much i puked. i never do that. and the bathroom didn’t have a sink so i had to clean myself up with toilet paper. that was shittiest house i’ve ever been in. there was trash everywhere. and everyone was smoking continuously inside so when i left, my whole outfit reeked.

tonight i have a date with an iraq veteran. he’s so very sweet and interesting and we can connect on so many different levels. and there’s been all these mysterious signs i’ve been noticing lately that suggest he really may be the one for me…..signs like dreams and dead deer and another man’s wife….don’t ask, but they’re spooky, trust me.

tomorrow i’m seeing matt (my weekend friend from the past posts) again and we’re gonna chill at our spot in the park by the lake and maybe come back to my place to watch his favorite movie (spaceballs, lolol). i don’t know what the story is with him and his ex, or what the story’s gonna be for me and the iraq veteran, but as of right now, me and matt are just friends with benefits, and we’re both really cool with that. he’s so much fun. we’re planning a road trip to nyc together soon to see all the holiday decorations. that should be exciting.

U lik Dancin, I jus 2 Step..Wanna see how its done? Watch me do me!

i didn’t do shit today.

cept pray for my very dear friend and his girlfriend who spent a tough day at the abortion clinic today. i’ve always been against abortions, but when i was scared i could get pregnant, i was all settled on getting one if i had to. luckily, i didnt have to make that choice, but now i completely understand why people do it. that doesnt make it right, but i know sometimes you decide to do things that arent “right” because you just need to. thats why i never judge anyone on the personal choices they make. you never know the whole story.

me and mike watched the leprachaun movies last night, hehehe, those movies are so much more funny than scary, pshhh

right now i’m waiting for my buddy to come over so we can drink and smoke and dance around to good music and just let loose and relax. hah, thats what i’ve been doing this whole fucking week, but whatevs….

lalalalalala….i hope he gets here sooooon

One, two, Freddy’s coming for you….

so i think i’m gonna try to start blogging every day from now on. so i apologize in advance if some of these are not as exciting as others.

today i took out the trash, cleaned the bathroom sink and went grocery shopping. (see, this is why i dont post every day lol.)

tonight my friend mike is coming over and we’re gonna have a horror movie marathon. he has seriously every horror movie known to man, it’s so awesome. he also has an authentic freddy krueger glove. we might go out for a midnight walk too if it’s not too cold.

Straight to My Head Like the First Cigarette of the Day

so this morning in one of my writing classes, we talked about how the different spaces of our lives (home, school, work, community) have shaped our attitudes toward language. for example, the hip hop pop culture has made a lot of suburban white kids talk like they’re from the ghetto. so everyone started sharing examples from their own lives, but since everyone just loves talking about themselves so much, i didn’t get a chance to share my example, so in my next boring lecture class, i wrote it up instead of taking notes, so i’ll share it on here:

My first experiences with the language of flirting, flattery and sweet talk came from my workplaces.  Maybe it was because those attitudes were almost entirely absent from my ultra conservative home environment and all-girl Catholic high school.  I had one summer job at a concert venue.  I was the candy girl who walked through the crowd with a tray of candy bars around my neck and tried to sell as much as possible because my pay was based on commission.  The concert crowd is a carefree one.  They’re there to have a good time and forget all about the stress and drama of their everyday lives.  That means the guys are bolder when it comes to meeting girls.  The candy tray around my neck was both an attention-grabber and an easy conversation starter, so I received an even higher traffic flow of horn balls.  I was trading kisses for candy sales with the wide variety of guys who attend rock concerts, country concerts, hip hop concerts and heavy metal concerts.  It was like an incredibly thorough and hands-on three-month course on flirting styles.

The next summer I got a job at a sleazy chain motel because the concert candy company went out of business (despite my own successful efforts.)  I originally applied for a housekeeping position that was advertised in the Help Wanted section, but when I went to submit my application, my polite attitude and pretty face landed me the front desk position.  The motel’s remote location and small capacity allowed me to handle the evening shift alone, so often times I was the only employee in the building.  That meant that all the guests had to come to me to check in and out, request extra towels or pillows or toiletries, ask to make change or for directions or for suggestions of area attractions or about billing issues or anything else I could help with.  My motel’s guests ranged from travelers to businessmen to call girls to the homeless.  But whatever their reasons for needing a bed for the night, they were generally pleasant to the person who provided them with that bed.  So this job allowed me to have many friendly encounters with all types of people.  But men are all the same when they’re on their own.  Whether single or apart from their girl, they all take advantage of the opportunity to flirt with the cute front desk lady.  This fact combined with a womanizing manager resulted in another summer of my continuing education of the wide world of flirting styles.

ok, so obviously i wouldn’t have said all that in class, but that seems like a good introduction for a book, you know, one that goes into detail about every guy and their particular style. it could be really hilarious if done right…..it seems like a lot of work though…..i don’t know if i’m up for it.

so it looks like my weekend friend is going to try to work things out with his ex, which is good, they should try to work things out for the baby, if anything else. but we ended on a really friendly note, and he even said we should stay in touch and when the weather gets warmer he’ll still take me for a ride on his motorcycle and teach me how to fish (two things he promised me he’d do when we were together, and two things i’m super excited for!!!) so even though it’s a sad reminder of how unlucky i am in relationships, at least it worked out for the best and went over relatively smoothly with no hard feelings.

I hope that I don’t fall in love with you, ’cause falling in love just makes me blue.

i met a new friend last Friday. we had a grand old weekend together filled with lots of sex, smoke and smiles. we fit together like two peas in a burrito. being with him is so easy. i don’t have to force myself to laugh or hold back an inappropriate thought or worry about my makeup getting messed up. it was the most fun i’ve had in a long time.

but. he just got out of a four year relationship less than two months ago, one that leftover a 15 month old baby boy. and today his ex told him she wants to get back together. so now he’s confused. he doesn’t want to spoil the wonderful thing we just started, but that’s the mother of his child, the only girl he’s ever told he loves her and meant it. and he also knows that once i graduate in a year and a half, i’m out of here. i’m off to explore the world and settle down somewhere far from everyone i know. he was okay with that before today. he was more interested in having fun than securing a future. but now…..i don’t know what’s gonna happen. i told him to take all the time he needs to figure things out. i’m way too nice. how do you tell the difference between being generous and being taken advantage of?

my roommate took me out for fast food for lunch, but had to drop me off in town afterwards cuz she’d be late for her presentation if she drove me all the way back. i had a therapy session later in the afternoon close by and decided to just hang around town and go straight there. i only had two cigarettes left, so to kill some time, i went to get another pack, but i realized i left my id back at the apartment. i figured i’d give it a shot anyway, see if they make an exception for me. the first place i went that has my favorite kind (camel turkish silver) completely shut me down. the guy didn’t even look me in the eye–it wasn’t up for discussion. so i went to the hippie place that doesn’t have as big of a selection, but i had the feeling they’d be more lenient. and they were, i was very grateful. but they don’t have my favorite, so i had to get newports again. then, while walking down to where i meet my therapist, it was such a pretty afternoon with the sun making everything pleasant, i passed by a couple homeless people holding out their cans for change. i’m usually one to just pass them by with a hardened heart, but today i went right up to them and said, “i don’t have any change, but would you like a cigarette?” they were both very grateful, it was a shining moment for my christian charity ethic. but even after all that, and walking at the slowest, most relaxed pace in the world, i still got there an hour and a half early, so i curled up in the waiting room with lynyrd skynyrd blasting in my ears and fell asleep. i don’t usually sleep in public, but in a mental health waiting room, i figure you have an excuse to act any fucking which way you want. but after only a few moments, my therapist shook me awake and said she could see me early, which was awesome.

i feel like with each session, i’m delving deeper and deeper into myself and my history. by talking to her today, i realized maybe the reason why i’m only attracted to the simple, laid back, down to earth, blue collar, rough and tough, street smart kind of guy might be that my ultra uptight conservative parents set such high standards for me, and this is a way for me to balance out those high standards. someone who’s stuck in a dead end career and was never even given the opportunity to succeed in mainstream society’s opinion isn’t much competition or pressure for me to match.

my tears have dried on my face now. after my phone conversation with my weekend friend about his confusion over me and his ex, i couldn’t help but cry a little. it’s not over him so much as the thought that i’ve always been this unlucky in love. i feel like all my breakups with guys were for reasons that had nothing to do with anything i did wrong, it was always a situational thing, nobody to blame but the grand master plan of the universe. what the fuck is up with that? i’m listening to every sad/lonely/hardhearted tom waits song in my music library right now, which is resonating so deeply, as his music always does with me. right now it’s on “come on up to the house.” the lyrics are so heartwrenchingly poetic, but i only wish i knew exactly what he means by “the house.” i feel like the answer to all my troubles is in those lyrics, but i’m not able to find it…. but at least i know i won’t die anytime soon. i can feel it in my bones that i’m not ready. i haven’t found what i’m looking for yet. if some terrible accident happens tomorrow and my body doesn’t survive, my soul will linger on the earth until i find it. until i find him. my knight in rusted armor that only i can make shine.